


Have you always with me

by IdlyWoolgathering



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Delusions, Guilt, Major character death - Freeform, qui-gon leaves the order au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:07:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25959508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IdlyWoolgathering/pseuds/IdlyWoolgathering
Summary: Obi-Wan arrives with the setting of the sun, a tired smile on his face, robes as pristine as always despite the hike to Qui-Gon's little homestead.“It's just like you to live so far out in nature, Master,” he teases easily, “how have you been?” Qui-Gon smiles at the man, hand itching for a padawan braid to tug. He settles for mussing Obi-Wan's hair.“Better with you here,” he settles on, heart light, “I'm always better when you are here,”
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	Have you always with me

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not totally pleased with this one but classes started today so this is as good as it'll get.

Raldas is warm in the summers, but not overly so. The planet is covered in life- forests, rivers, fields of wildflowers, and the tall crop the inhabitants grow. The place pulses in the living force, especially in the warm seasons. Even the cold months are not that bad. Qui-Gon's old joints and scars thank him for choosing this planet to retire to, at any rate.

Especially the old, thick scar in the center of his chest.

He doesn't like to think of it.

Doesn't like to think of waking up in the halls, blood and a scream on his tongue, Anakin apprenticed to Yoda, and Obi-Wan- Obi-Wan _knighted_. Qui-Gon doesn't care for the Council's decision to knight him over a duel, of all things, but the happiness in his padawan's eyes stayed his tongue. Obi-Wan is a brilliant knight, bringing him all sorts of stories when he comes to visit.

A smile twitches Qui-Gon's lips up. He's so proud of the red-haired man it almost hurts sometimes. Obi-Wan had been disappointed when Qui-Gon had first left the order, but he'd eventually understood. Qui-Gon can always count on Obi-Wan to understand him, no matter what.

Qui-Gon's comm beeps and he checks it, seeing a message from Obi-Wan. His padawan is coming here on leave to recover from a mission gone wrong. It makes Qui-Gon happier than it should, all things considered. After all, his padawan is hurt, but-

Perhaps Qui-Gon _has_ been lonely recently.

It's of no matter. He needs to air out the guest bedroom.

~

Obi-Wan arrives with the setting of the sun, a tired smile on his face, robes as pristine as always despite the hike to Qui-Gon's little homestead. His face is paler than it should be, but he seems relatively well.

“It's just like you to live so far out in nature, Master,” he says easily, “how have you been?” Qui-Gon smiles at the man, hand itching for a padawan braid to tug. He settles for mussing Obi-Wan's hair.

“Better with you here,” he settles on, heart light, “always better when you are here,”

Obi-Wan's hair gleams in the sunset, all reds and golds. Qui-Gon still can't get used to his padawan with long hair, or the beard the man now sports. It shouldn't be a surprise; after all, Obi-Wan had announced his intentions to grow one after he was mistaken for a fourteen-year-old when he was nineteen.

“ _Force,” Obi-Wan grumbles, cheeks almost as red as his hair, shoulders slightly slumped, “master, do I look fourteen?” he turns imploring eyes to Qui-Gon._

“ _Sixteen?” Qui-Gon offers, tone teasing. Obi-Wan groans._

“ _As soon as I'm able, I'm going to grow a beard,” he zealously swears. Qui-Gon ruffles his hair._

“ _We'll see,” he answers placatingly._

“What are you thinking of, Master?” Obi-Wan asks, nudging him slightly. Qui-Gon smiles at him, reaching out a hand to skim over the side of Obi-Wan's face.

“Do you ever get mistaken as fourteen now?” he asks teasingly. Obi-Wan's brow scrunches in confusion for a moment before recognition and embarrassment fill his eyes.

“Master!” he exclaims, “really, you'd bring that up now?” he sniffs, “I'll have you know people do not mistake me for a _child_ anymore. I'm in my thirties, master. They'd be hard-pressed to do that even without the beard!” Force, his _thirties_? When had his padawan gotten so old, so big? Where had the thirteen-year-old he'd taken on gone?

“I suppose so,” he answers diplomatically, trying to shove past the swelling in his chest, “but you still look very young to me, padawan,” he tacks on the title with a slight smile even as Obi-Wan scoffs playfully. It's true, he thinks. His padawan will probably eternally look young- even now, there are no wrinkles on the man's face, looking just as youthful now as he did at twenty-five.

He's grateful that time has not caught his padawan.

~

He goes to the village market without Obi-Wan, to fetch some of the tea his padawan preferred. The hike is long and he would rather his padawan rest, even two days into his stay. Force knows his padawan is probably working himself to the bone with missions. The man doesn't know how to take a break and never has. It's a bad quality, as much as it is a good one.

“Good morning, Rajaba,” he greets the store owner cheerfully. She smiles vaguely, and the little girl by her side perks up.

“Hello, Qui-Gon,” Rajaba answers, gaze listing, “Sapir?”

“No, I was looking for the Alderaan Raj Flower tea. Do you have any?” the woman just sighs.

“Let me check in the back,” she tilts her head, “Livetta, look after your sister for me, okay?” she heads into the back room. Qui-Gon blinks, glancing around the room for another child. Livetta sighs, crossing her arms with a pout.

“I can't,” she says shortly, “Bari is dead, but Mama forgets,” she scowls, “Grandma says she's just guilty, cause she left Bari in the bath, but I think it's dumb,” Qui-Gon doesn't know what to say, staring blankly at the girl in horror. The girl sniffles.

Then, she bursts into tears and flees the room, leaving a stunned Qui-Gon behind. Rajaba shuffles back in with the tea, smiling at Qui-Gon.

“Three credits,” she says cheerfully, as though nothing in the world is wrong.

~

Obi-Wan can tell he's disturbed but gives him space. He's eternally grateful for Obi-Wan. His padawan always knows just what he needs. He finally breaks and tells his padawan of the store as the moon rises.

“Sometimes people's guilt manifests itself in strange, unexplainable ways,” Obi-Wan reminds him gently over his tea, “it is a strange thing, refusal to let go and live in the moment. Isn't that what you're always reminding me, Master?”

“It is what we practice as Jedi,” Qui-Gon says tightly, words heavy in his mouth, “but it is more difficult as people,” Obi-Wan's eyes are sad as he reaches out and takes Qui-Gon's hand, and Qui-Gon holds on like it's his lifeline.

“Grief is a difficult thing,” Obi-Wan agrees, “you and I know better than most,”

Obi-Wan doesn't finish his tea.

Qui-Gon pours it out after Obi-Wan retires, the red of the tea staining his hands and the sink and making his heart pick up.

His dreams are filled with darkness and a red blade.

~

The morning is peaceful when he awakes and searches out his padawan, finding him meditating by the lake. Both the water and Obi-Wan are as still and serene as they can be. It reminds Qui-Gon of home, of the temple. Perhaps it's been too long since he visited. He knows they would welcome him back. He doesn't know why he stays away. He sits next to Obi-Wan.

“How is the temple?” he asks. Obi-Wan opens his eyes and turns a steady gaze on him.

“Same as ever,” he answers indifferently, “the initiate tournament is coming up soon,”

“Perhaps you will give me a grandpadawan this year?” Qui-Gon teases, and Obi-Wan rolls his eyes, cheerfully annoyed.

“We will see,” he huffs, “but probably not,” Qui-Gon smiles at him, wondering how raising a child would change his own. He's not sure- Obi-Wan is already so mature. Perhaps they'd loosen him up? But his padawan already seems so tired, and it would take so much energy, and Obi-Wan isn't getting younger. He feels decrepit himself, and he can't imagine if he had-

“How's Yoda doing with Anakin?” the question slips out, unbidden. Obi-Wan stiffens.

“Fine,” he answers shortly, “Anakin is fine,” he rises abruptly to his feet, “I'm going to take a walk,” he tells Qui-Gon coldly, and sets out for the woods before Qui-Gon can reach for him. Too slow. Too old.

Not fast enough to stop his padawan from slipping away.

Obi-Wan ignores him all the rest of the afternoon, hurt and anger radiating off of him. Qui-Gon's chest aches, the old wound reminding him of so many mistakes. He should know better than to bring up anything related to that time. Anything related to Naboo or the Si-

He goes back to the village and bothers Rajaba and Livetta for some sweets he knows Obi-Wan likes. The braids in the little girl's red hair reminds him of a different copper braid. He leaves quickly.

He makes Obi-Wan tea and leaves it and the sweets on the table before bed.

His padawan doesn't accept the gifts, but he forgives Qui-Gon all the same.

~

He receives a comm from Mace less than a week later, saying that he is coming to visit- he has something to ask of Qui-Gon.  
  
“They only ever come when they need something,” he grouses to Obi-Wan, who simply nods.

“You don't make yourself easy to find, Master,” he reminds him gently, “you left without telling anyone but me where you were going,”

“You were the only one that mattered,” Qui-Gon answers huffily, “besides, I knew you would inform the council,”

“You can't always rely on me for everything,” Obi-Wan says suddenly, “I may not always be here, Master,” Qui-Gon's chest is cold.

“Don't say that,” he snaps, “you're fine, and you will be fine,” Obi-Wan watches him sadly. He can't stand the gaze. It reminds him of another time, when Obi-Wan was accepting, _too_ accepting- He takes a walk to clear his head.

~

“We were all very worried when you left without saying anything to anyone,” Mace says over his cup of tea. Obi-Wan had vanished about the time he arrived, “you're a difficult man to track.”

“I have a lot of experience,” Qui-Gon says vaguely, “but why hunt me down now?”

“Tensions are rising,” Mace shares, “there was a battle on Geonosis between the Jedi and Dooku. Hundreds were lost,” his gaze softens, “I'm sorry, Qui-Gon, but he's working with the Sith master,” Qui-Gon's chest is cold.

“No!” he protests, “he wouldn't!” Mace just shakes his head.

“We didn't think so either,” he says grimly, “but you know he left the order after what happened with Obi-Wan and your own flight,” Qui-Gon hadn't known. Why hadn't Obi-Wan said anything?

“Suppose it is possible, and he is working with the Sith,” Qui-Gon says reluctantly, “why come to me?”

“The Sith are rising against the Republic with an army of droids, and the Senate expects the Jedi to become generals and fight. We're already down so many, and we need all the Jedi we can get, Qui-Gon. We're asking you to consider rejoining the order,”

Qui-Gon stares, opened mouthed, at Mace. On one hand, hasn't he always fought for the order? Hasn't he always stood against the dark, against the Sith? What happens if the Jedi don't fight?

But... he can't, not right now. He can't leave until Obi-Wan is cleared to go back on missions. Until he can guard Obi-Wan's back and vice versa.

“I can't leave right now, I can't go to the war until later,” Qui-Gon tries to explain. Mace tilts his head.

“Why not?” he asks. Qui-Gon wants to roll his eyes.

“I have to take care of Obi-Wan,” he states simply. Didn't Mace know? They'd sent Obi-Wan out here to recuperate. Mace is silent for a long moment.

“How so?” he finally asks, very softly.

“He's still injured from his last mission, the council sent him here to recover,” Qui-Gon says, slightly frustrated, “you know that. I'm not pleased he's hurt, but it is nice having him here. I get so lonely in between his visits,” Mace's gaze is shuttered and sad.

“Qui-Gon,” he starts, sympathy pouring into the force, “Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan is-”

“I'm so proud of him,” Qui-Gon interjects, heart beating faster, heart twisted coldly in his throat, “everyone is- he's such a brilliant Jedi,”

“Qui-Gon, do you remember Naboo?” Mace's voice is pitched low. Qui-Gon's skin is crawling.

“Of course I do!” he scoffs, “I have the scars to prove it! I was almost killed, Obi-Wan killed the Sith and was knighted,” why does Mace look like that? What's wrong? What happened?

“Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan wasn't knighted,” Mace finally says, gently, “Obi-Wan d-”

“Don't be ridiculous!” Qui-Gon exclaims, almost desperate, “yes he was! Mace, you were there! Obi-Wan showed me the certificate, you signed it because I was indisposed and-” the air doesn't seem to be coming and why is Mace looking at him like that and _there's_ _blood in his mouth and an emptiness in his soul and_ _ **don't say it please no-**_

“Obi-Wan is dead, Qui-Gon. He died on Naboo.”

~

“Mace left this afternoon,” Qui-Gon shares over dinner. Obi-Wan tilts his head.

“Oh? What did he have to say?” Obi-Wan asks, a slight frown on his face.

“He said-” Qui-Gon pauses, confused. He can't remember. It was something important, he thought, but- oh, he knows! “You'll be staying here for a long while more! They think the break's been good for you,” he says cheerfully. Obi-Wan sighs, but his eyes are glowing happily.

“I suppose there's nowhere else I'd rather be, so long as you'll have me,”

“I'd like to always have you with me, padawan,” Qui-Gon answers, "I don't know what I would do without you,"

**Author's Note:**

> A little darker than my last few, but angst really is my jam lol. I hoped you liked reading as much as I liked writing!


End file.
